Friday, 29 September 2017

The US, student finance and Three Customer Service - the world's gone mad

Well - I am going to start by saying that the USA has officially lost it. I have been following their politics since the election, and it is clear that they just can't get on with each other. The right says one thing and the left, to a man, are up in arms, and vice versa. There is no bipartisan middle ground. The latest saga is about NFL players kneeling during the national anthem. The president said they should be fired for disrespecting the flag. He even went so far as to call them sons of bitches. Hardly presidential, but that level of entertainment is what we have come to expect from the leader of the free world. So then the Democrats went after him. First amendment, draft dodger, its their right, etc. Then the Republicans fought back. Overpaid millionaires, they should remember who pays their wages (actually those last two could equally be applied to Trump!). They cited Antonio Cromartie as proof because he got sacked for disrespecting the anthem like it just happened, but that was a year ago. Not to be outdone, the Dems photoshopped a picture of Trump not saluting the flag and the senate not standing (ok - this was real but it wasn't the actual senate - just New York). Then there are the consipracy theorists who think that every time the Russia investigation gets close the president uses diversionary tactics, and the NFL was certainly a huge diversion. In the meantime, a hurricane hit Puerto Rico with disastrous consequences for the 3.5m Americans living there and Trump has certainly paid more attention to the NFL than to that humanitarian crisis. However, that is just based on Twitter - I don't profess to know what he is doing behind the scenes! And that is kind of the point - there is so much spin from both sides that it is impossible to tell what is real. One thing is for sure, as a soap opera its much better than Corrie or Eastenders!

The junior football season has started, and it is quite a relief that there is just the one game to worry about each weekend. Of course, with Zac involved there is always entertainment, and in a recent drubbing he had two hands on the ball when the opposing striker kicked it off him and passed to a teammate who scored. Zac went into full on tantrum mode, pounding the floor and telling the referee in no uncertain terms that he had both hands on the ball. A short time later he collected the ball, held it above his head and shouted, 'Look - two hands'. Fortunately the somewhat ageing ref was looking the other way, otherwise a red card might have appeared. Afterwards Zac was unrepentant. 'How is he even allowed to ref? He is senile.' He has a lot to learn and it could be a long season!

Meanwhile, the cricket season came to a predictably damp end, though the seconds actually managed to fit a game in which kept us out of the pub until 7pm. Russell's reasonably accomplished ukele playing was rather harshly ridiculed, but I don't think that will deter him!

The first review of Elvis Under The Covers appeared on Amazon, and its quite a good one. Mr Palmer obviously has taste...Great read for anyone interested in Elvis or the history of the music business. Very thorough and great insight with the use of interviews with the people who have covered Elvis song through the years. I love this book!

The Kindle edition is on free promotion this weekend, and it has had a positive effect. It has reached number 3 on the UK free music chart and number 1 on the same chart in France where it has a certain je ne sais quoi! The US are a bit slow to respond - only at 11 over there!

Guess what? I always thought that paying extra for upper class flights was because of the service, comfort, priority, lounge, etc. Turns out its actually safer too! The seatbelt has an airbag in it! What price do you put on your safety?!

The Whaley Bridge Cricket Club trip went to Frankfurt last weekend - and it was a much smaller affair than the halcyon days of 20 plus revellers, frequent visits to the hotel manager's office, and the general chaos that ensues when trying to herd cats. Maybe they will return, but for 2017 just 5 of us set off, taking breakfast at the wonderful Cafe 110. Actually there were only 4 of us at this stage - our fifth member met us at the airport. The trip to the airport was a sober affair - as the bus driver banned alcohol. That wouldn't have gone down well in days gone by, and we wont be making that mistake again.The guessing games still work - even convincing someone that was convinced we were going to Frankfurt that we were not going to Frankfurt. As it turns out, Frankfurt is a bit smelly. Someone needs to sort the drains out. Someone also needs to sort the karaoke out! Definitely not PC!

We spent a pleasant afternoon in Waxy's Irish Bar (when in Rome...) discussing the merits of Chesters not being able to charge his phone because he hadn't left the room key in the electric slot, and discovering the phrase 'unsolicited back story' which completely replaces the concept of body language! Perhaps the funniest item occurred when we were sat on the plane ready to return. Chesters, again, asked when it was that the 4pm Sunday kick offs had been changed to 5pm? I will let you work that one out.

Next year - who knows - but there is sufficient interest to mark the end of the cricket season with a regular excursion abroad - watch this space.

I'm working on GDPR at the moment - the data protection regulations. I would have thought that most big companies would be well on the way to compliance by now (the deadline is May 2018). Well, I got a marketing SMS from EE this week - telling me to text STOP to 1234 to opt out. I was sure I had already done this - and sure enough I had done the very same thing in February.

The conversation went like this...

Why are you sending me SMS messages when I opted out?
Because you upgraded your contract.
I didn't opt in to marketing so why are you doing it?
I am sorry sir, I will make sure you are opted out.
That's not the point - why did you opt me in?
Very sorry sir, I have put a note on your account and you will not receive any more marketing from us.
If I do I will go straight to the ICO.
Very good sir.

Was that the end of it? Not at all. The next day I got a marketing email. Seems that was automatic too. Honestly, these firms are in for a real shock. It would be remiss of me to let this kind of thing slip by unnoticed, after all, whats an occasional text or email? The point is that they have my data. They are using it for a purpose that I haven't agreed to. Today marketing, tomorrow - identity theft. Can't wait for May. I will be going after all of them!

Ole has ventured off to Salford University, and honestly, in the last 2 weeks I have spoken to him more than in the past 5 years! First of all he set off with a car load of stuff on a Saturday morning. And of course I went the following day with a car load of stuff that he had forgotten. He needed a book that arrived by post, so I posted it on to him. Took him 4 days to figure out where the university post box is. Then there was the bank account conversations! Ole's grant is around £1296 per term - a little over £100 per week. We said he could have £80 and the rest would be for accommodation. But, he wanted the £80 to be paid weekly rather than in one lump sum. I thought that this would be because he didn't want to overspend - but no. Quite the opposite. He didn't want to underspend and get to the end of term with £500 in his account.

His first lecture was last Monday. He missed his first lecture on Tuesday, and then he moaned that he has at least one lecture every day so he couldn't possibly get a job. His mum cancelled his driving test for him, and he still cant budget.

How much have I got in my account?
About £27
I thought I had £57 - where has the rest gone?
New Look, Peachy Keens and Spotify

Then it went quiet.

All quiet on the Zac front? Not really - he has been at the physio as he seems to have inherited my dodgy knees! A bit of strapping and some exercise seems to have done the trick, and he is enjoying the peace and quiet without his older brother. However, the opportunity to clean came with the departure of Ole, and of course Zac's room got swept up into the process. It is clear that Zac has become quite creative in his hiding places for unwanted fruit. We found some raisins in Ole's room. We never give Zac raisins. These would have been grapes at one time that he secreted away in Ole's drawers. Then there was this...

The label kind of gives it away - this was slowly turning into cider under a pile of sheets and blankets! Its not that he doesn't like the fruit - its just that he can't be bothered eating it. If only fries and chocolate cake were fruit!

In my own kitchen we have had a bountiful harvest of plums. The trees were so heavily laden that one of the branches snapped under the weight. Makes you wonder how Barbara Windsor didn't constantly fall over. Anyway, there have been two varieties of plum jam made, plum cobbler and some gin. My contribution was autumn crumble with the plums complemented by apples and pears. I arrived home last night to find three pumpkins at the door - pumpkin pie anyone?

I stay at quite a few hotels, and when in Nottingham the DeVere Orchard is one of my favourites. I might have to review that! Last week I arrived and there was a sizeable queue for check in. It took at least 20 minutes, and I was told that the computer system had broken down. Then they charged me twice. This was quickly rectified as I sat waiting for dinner. Just as I ordered, a fire alarm went off. Well, I presume it was a fire alarm. There was no urgency from the staff and no announcement. Everyone just stayed put. The alarm continued to ring, and the waiters wandered about like lost souls. They then announced that it was not a real fire alarm - though that was difficult to hear over the sound of the alarm, and when they finally got it switched off, after about half an hour, they said there would be a delay to the food. Well, there wasn't just a delay - they forgot about my order altogether! Shocking! The manager has been in touch via Tripadvisor - expecting big improvements next time I visit!

Not had one of these for a while - a run in with Customer Service! This time Three were the culprits, as I requested a PAC to switch Ole's phone to EE. Now, I had previously requested one some time ago, but the switch had failed at EE and Ole had not contacted them in time so that one was cancelled. This time I was determined to see it through myself. Also bear in mind that the previous PAC was issued within 15 minutes of the call. So, I called, and they wanted details of my Sim. Sadly, Ole lost this before or during his trip to Zante.

Conversation number 1 proceeded as follows-

Never mind sir, perhaps you could answer some security questions
What was the last number called on the phone?
No idea. Perhaps it was my number?
No - that's not correct
My wife's number?
No - that is not it either.
Well, it was last used in July - two months ago - cant you ask me something else?
What are the last 6 digits on the Sim?
We've been through this - I don't have the Sim.
I could order you a Sim.
Ok - could you do that then please?
Ok- that has been done - it will be with you in 5 working days.

It actually arrived much earlier - but that was just the start of my problems.

I'm ringing to request a PAC
Ah yes sir I will send it straight away.

(PAC arrived but failed at EE)

The PAC doesn't work.
Let me check that for you...Ah yes - I see that PAC was cancelled when you ordered a new Sim.
Ok - I have the new Sim - can you give me a PAC.
Certainly - I will order that for you now. Ok all done. (reads Ts & Cs for the umpteenth time)

An hour later I rang again.

My PAC has not arrived.
Oh, sorry about that - let me check that. It appears to have got stuck. Let me see what I can do.
{long silence}
Ok sir, it should be with you in one hour at the most
What did you do?
It was stuck in our system so we have released it
Ok (sceptical tone n my voice)

Two hours later

My PAC has not arrived
Very sorry about that sir, let me look into it.
Yes - I don't know why you haven't received it, If you can answer some security questions I can read it to you.
What was the last number you dialled on the Sim?
(I felt confident about this one)
It was you - I rang Three on this Sim
No sir, that's not the right answer
I did - two hours ago. I was speaking to you.
Ah yes sir, I see now. I will read out your PAC.

Unbelievably I got cut off - but I was so close so I called them straight back

I was just talking to your colleague about my PAC - he was about to read it out but we got cur off. Can you get it for me
Certainly sir, let me just check.
{worryingly long silence)
Sorry to keep you waiting sir, I have ordered a PAC but it will take 48 hours
No - the guy told me a few minutes ago that he had it. He was about to read it to me
Sorry sir, not sure what he was going to read...
No - sorry sir, that could not have been your PAC - it will take 48 hours
Last time it took 15 minutes
Sorry sir, there is nothing I can do
Well you can stop saying sorry and get me a PAC
Sorry sir, would you like me to escalate to customer service?
Well who are you?
I am customer service but I can escalate to my manager
Will they get me a PAC
Sorry sir, I cannot get you a PAC but I can escalate it
Can you escalate it to Ofcom because that what I will do?
I will get my manager
(very brief silence)
Ah Mr Madden, so sorry for the delay
The delay hasn't ended yet - wheres my PAC?
So sorry sir, the PAC will take 48 hours.
Hang on, your colleague said he would escalate it to you. Are you just sat next to him?
No sir, I am in customer service
So was he
Sorry for the confusion sir
Stop saying sorry and get me the PAC
Sorry sir
If you say sorry once more I will go straight to Ofcom
Sorry sir, but there is nothing else I can do.
(another pause)
I will give you £10 credit on the Sim so that you can use it until you get the PAC
I don't want to use it - I am already using the EE number I just want to transfer my Three number
Sorry sir it will take 48 hours

At this point I was losing the will to live and the football was about to start. The PAC arrived around 40 hours later and the transfer has been completed. Three rapidly rose to number 1 on my list of crappy customer service departments - I will let you know if anyone manages to top them!

Friday, 8 September 2017

The Ups & Downs Of Rollercoasters

The big news for this update is that Elvis Under The Covers hit the virtual shelves in time for the 40th anniversary of the death of The King. I have undertaken some memorable promotional activities, including interviews on BBC Radio York and Sheffield, as well as Oldham Community Radio and Ex-Pat Radio where I shared airtime with Mindi Miller, one of Elvis Presley's ex-girlfriends! Its all rock and roll. The guy who runs Ex-Pat Radio is actually from Sale, the same town as me, and we had some fun discussing our old stomping ground. Turns out we have many pubs in common!

Anyway, he has now offered me the chance to broadcast on Ex-Pat Radio every week - so I look forward to starting that in September.

Back to the book, and it has been selling reasonably well without breaking records. Sales have been recorded across all four major channels, (Kindle / Paperback in the US and UK), and it has reached the top 200 in Kindle musical categories on both sides of the pond.

Elvis Under The Covers on Amazon

Incidentally, Stags! still breaks into the top 100 whenever it is promoted on Kindle - not bad after all these years!

Sticking with music I interviewed Kirk Fletcher and produced an article on him for the Leek Blues & Moorlands Americana Festival. And now that Clive Ashton has taken up residence in The Wellington Inn no more excuse is need to visit the Staffordshire town for the event at the end of September.

The article can be found here

Kirk Fletcher

I had a bit of a flurry in the kitchen, making Bakewell Tart, brownies, Key Lime Pie and a seemingly endless supply of chilli. The brownies were the gooey, nutty variety, and I'm not expecting many to be left when we get back from Florida (seriously, help yourself Hell Dog!).

Some of the brownies, together with the Bakewell Tart, went with us to the Twinwood Vintage Festival in Clapham. Zac came too, and wasted no time in heading for the sausage stall. On the way back we ventured into the Moonshine Glade where a fiddler and a banjo player were warming up on a small stage. After a lot of tuning and several soundchecks they began to play, but Zac was not impressed. 'Is that it? Where's the singing?' he asked. I pointed out that this was an instrumental tune. 'Let's get out of here,' he replied.

The weather was a lot kinder this year, leading to a lot of people putting up parasols and umbrellas to protect them from the sun. Security then came round telling everyone to put them back down again as they were blocking the view, which was perfectly true. Anyway, there's always one, and a couple in front of us seemed to think that the rule didn't apply to them. The security man put them straight on that, and the next ten minutes were a great source of amusement as they tried to garner support from all and sundry to no avail.

Nixie came to stay for a night, and she decided that the garden needed watering!

However, her favourite pastime is spending time with uncle Zac! This is a worry!

There was time for a quick visit to the ducks before it was time to go home - and we saw this by the canal in Whaley Bridge...

It appears to be a barnacle goose, and if that is true it is probably lost.

Travelling can be stressful experience, but flying to Florida in Virgin's Upper Class should reduce this. Right? Well not exactly. I generally take care of all documents that are needed to get us to where we want to go. So I had the passports, the travel tickets, insurance documentation, my driving licence, car park voucher, villa address and access details, rental car details etc. We sat in the car ready to head for the airport and I asked Sally, 'Have you got your driving licence?' I certainly wasn't expecting the answer, 'No,' but that's what I got. To cut a long story short, and thereby omitting a lot of expletives and a good deal of denial as she vowed to rearrange the whole house when she got back as that was obviously why she could not locate her licence, it turned out that when we dropped her car off for a service the previous day she had left her licence safely tucked into her log book that was in the glove compartment of her vehicle that was at the garage in Buxton, which would not open for another couple of hours!

I would have pointed out that rearranging all of the drawers would not have solved this little dilemma, but I thought better of it as the windows had already frosted over! Anyway, we hatched a plan that would take advantage of the privilege of the Escape Lounge at Manchester.

Check-In was quick and smooth, though as usual Zac got held up at security. I really don't know how he does it! We made our way to the lounge and put our plan into action. Sally attempted to get a copy of her licence from the DVLA whilst I set about changing the Rentalcars booking so that I was the lead driver. I did my bit fairly easily, and as Rentalcars do some sort of a price match, I got a refund of £35 as the potential price of the rental had dropped. Sally, meanwhile, had three or four airport staff running around looking for a fax machine. 'Have you tried a museum?' I somewhat unhelpfully suggested, but really, who uses faxes these days? Apparently they are not easy to amend, so they are the preferred method of the DVLA. Anyway, Sally received an email with a licence summary on which she duly printed, then she got another with her full licence including eligibility, convictions, etc.

We boarded the flight with the knowledge that we had done as much as we could, and the rest would be down to the rental car people in Florida. Upper Class was a dream, with even more space than usual. There were a couple of empty seats, and for some reason the cabin was configured with just the window seats meaning the whole of the middle part was empty. You could have jived there! Champagne was offered and accepted, even by Ole, whilst Zac was determined to try everything that he was given. Toothpaste, ear plugs, blindfold, everything. He still struggled with the food, rejecting the sausages that were covered in gravy, and he was positively outraged that anyone could consider chia and coconut as an acceptable flavour for popcorn.

Zac tried everything in Upper Class

Another advantage of Upper Class is that you are one of the first off the plane and so are your bags. This also means that you are one of the first through immigration, and within an hour of landing we were on our way to the villa, having convinced the car hire people that the second email was valid as a full licence (ok, they insisted they it was printed off which meant a detour to the third floor and the Orlando Airport Marriott hotel).

We shopped at the local supermarket and settled in for a few days R & R. The boys sleeping patterns had already been adjusted back in the UK, due to them staying in bed until lunchtime, but Sally and myself were asleep by 10pm and awake at around 5am.

We had already decided that Wednesday would be a good day to visit Universal, and we rather ambitiously opted for a 1 day park to park ticket, basically taking in 2 parks at the same time. After a quick breakfast at Denny's (where else? and the woman said that I was not eligible for  the 55+ menu which is another tick) we reached Universal for opening time, and went to the Studios first. The Rock-It rollercoaster was empty so we walked on to that, and then ignored Minions, Shrek and Transformers as we headed to The Mummy. Again there was no queue, so 2 rides done by 9.30. The Harry Potter area is light on rides, so we did Escape From Gringotts which was another that we walked straight on to. Next up it was the Harry Potter themed train to Islands Of Adventure, with the five minute wait spent just watching for the train to arrive, so no queue as such. Duelling Dragons was our first ride in Islands, after which the boys went on the ride in the castle that makes us oldies feel sick, so we stocked up on expensive drinks and waited for their return. The Jurassic Park ride was next, followed by the new Skull Island adventure. This is ok, but not worth the 20-30 minute queue that we waited in. A highlight of Islands should always be the Dudley Do-Right Ripsaw Falls, and although the queue said 30 minutes it actually took us about 40 to get through it. It was well worth it, especially as a short time later the ride closed for repairs. We were wet, so we went on the Bilge Rat Barges to complete our soaking, with the queue a more manageable 10 minutes. Queues were starting to grow, so we went to The Hulk, another 'must do' that had no wait time, and then we returned to the Studios via the return train journey. This time almost every ride had a queue, so we decided that we should head for home. 12 rides plus lunch and we were done for 3, which was a relief as the heat was becoming unbearable!

The next day was quieter, with the boys shopping in Target which seems to be de rigeur over in Florida. Zac bought some Nerf guns that needed batteries, but not the thin ones. these required the fat stubby ones. 'They are not fat, they are just big-boned,' said Zac showing a bizarre sensitivity. Anyway, there's a different standard of wildlife around the villa - here's an example...

This bird of prey lives in a tree just outside the villa

Then came our first food challenge at the Ovation Bistro. This is very close to the junction of I4 and US27, and is the number 1 rated restaurant in Davenport on Tripadvisor. We weren't disappointed but still managed to fit in dessert!

Followers of this blog know that if it is not chocolate cake or chips Zac doesn't really like it. However, he agreed to try BBQ wings because he liked the look of them. 'Do you like BBQ sauce?' I asked, to which he replied, 'I like BBQ crisps.' Turns out he doesn't like BBQ sauce, but he didn't mind the wings without the sauce. 'They aren't horrible,' was his considered opinion. The ride home was interesting too, as a green critter decided to hitch a lift. He lasted all the way to the villa, but after a violent storm later that night he was nowhere to be seen!

Seaworld is an old favourite but we've not been there for 4 years. The shows aren't as good since the killer whale killed its trainer! Anyway, once again there were no queues as we took in Manta, Kraken and Zac's nemesis Journey To Atlantis. They were all good, but then there was Mako. This claims to be the highest, longest and fastest ride in Orlando, and it is a fantastic experience. There is just a lap bar keeping you in your seat, and that does a barely adequate job as the ride takes you up and down steep slopes at great speed, and without the need to flip you upside down. Its the new favourite ride in Orlando. So much so that we went straight back on and rode it again!

Manta was interesting because there was a man in front of us who clearly could not fit into his seat. No matter how hard the attendant pushed and shoved, the safety harness would just not close. Eventually he had to take the walk of shame past the queue as there was no way he could ride!

Applebees was our next dining experience, a full 17 places below Ovation on Tripadvisor. However, we have been there before and its just around the corner! The food wasn't as good, but the service was second to none, and they seemed to want to give food away. We tucked into appetizers whilst ordering our mains, and they had an 'offer' on which meant we got a plate of mozzarella sticks for free. Drinks were 2 for 1, so when you ordered a beer 2 arrived, and of course you had to drink them quickly before they went warm and flat. The menu also contained a calorie guide against each dish. One of the desserts was well over 1700 calories. Interestingly there was a sentence on the bottom of the menu stating that the 2,000 calorie per day guideline is only indicative and calorie requirements differ. It might as well have had a heart attack likelihood monitor! The waiter left an electronic gadget on the table which logged the bill. It also had a series of games on it, including a trivia game that had a high score of about 200. Zac watched us play one game and then took control, notching up around 1400 points. His technique was simple, he ignored the wrong answers and just kept pressing, and his mum just had to tell the waiter. Ole found this highly amusing, and impersonated the conversation.

Ole as mum, 'He found an error in your program'
Ole as the waiter, 'I'm sorry ma'am, I just serve food'
Ole as mum, 'He beat your high score by 7 times'
Ole as the waiter, 'Err, do you want me to bring my manager?'

Shopping is an experience in the US, and a very confusing one. There are Labor Day sales, on top of normal discounts and VIP discounts, its amazing that anyone pays anything for anything. However, this is all a con. You get to the checkout and suddenly the 75% discount becomes around 5%. Sorry, that item is not in the Labor Day sale, or no, your coupon does not apply to that style. I guess they rely on the British sense of embarrassment whereby they purchase the item anyway! It certainly works.

Back at the ranch Ole struggled to cut up a melon. This lack of culinary expertise does not bode well for his impending University adventure.

Labor Day has a big tick against all the theme parks on the Busy Days calendar, suggesting they would all be free from visitors. As we had a Seaworld combined ticket with free parking we headed for Aquatica, and after about 90 minutes we headed home again! Standing in line to hurtle down a plastic tube is not my idea of fun, and I guess I should have trusted my UK instinct not to go to a theme park on a Bank Holiday Monday!

Monday was certainly redeemed by a trip to Manny's Chop House - the number 1 rated restaurant in Haines City. We arrived around 6.30pm and with a 25 minute wait we sat at the bar that would not have looked out of place in Road House. Again, drinks were 2 for 1, so both Sally and I were approaching the legal limit before we had even reached our table. Starters were plentiful without being overpowering, but I'm not sure how healthy deep fried breaded mozzarella sticks are, and then came the steaks. The filet mignon was like velvet and the sirloin melted under the knife. We even had to take some home in a box. Desserts were calorie laden, Manny's didn't bother with calorie counts - they would rather the diners just enjoy themselves, possibly because the restaurant is in a district seemingly filled with doctors and hospitals. Zac had his usual chocolate cake, and he even left some. I had the second best key lime pie that I had ever tasted, for the first see Mmm...No1...Cookbook! Ole went a bit over the top - see below.

The following day we drove to Tampa for Busch Gardens, and not surprisingly after Manny's feast we didn't need breakfast until after 11am. By this time we had experienced Cheetah Hunt, arguably the best ride in the park, Montu, and Cobra's Curse. Queues were again non-existent as we took in every big ride in the park, except for Falcon's Fury as we had just eaten, and Phoenix as there was lightning in the air! Sadly, there were no kangaroos on show, but we got very close to a cheetah, separated by a pane of glass, and fed Lories. I also got groomed by a flamingo, which is definitely a first!

Some birds are more responsive than others

Our return was eventful in that we got delayed at Orlando due to lightning, but we arrived in Atlanta in time to make our connection ensuring Zac wouldn't be too late for his first day back at school. So how was it? Well he moaned about a lot of things, and in particular having bad teachers. I told him he needed to try to get along with them to which he replied, 'that's like you trying to get along with Hitler.' Its not started well!

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Elvis Launched And A Case Of Mistaken Identity

I must start with the news that my latest book, Elvis Under The Covers, is now on sale. The publishing process was remarkably easy - 2 days before launch I didn't have a Kindle version - but that ended up going on sale first. If you order a printed copy it doesn't exist today but it can be delivered to your door tomorrow!

Tomorrow is the 16th August, the 40th Anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley, and the official launch of the book. I have radio interviews on Ex-Pat Radio at 8am, BBC Radio Sheffield at 1pm and Oldham Community Radio at 9pm.

The Ex-Pat session features Mindi Miller, one of Elvis's ex girlfriends, which should make it interesting. It also involves Laraine Bashford of AceClubElvis, the official European Elvis fan club, and Dave Hailwood who runs Ex-Pat Radio, and who is, coincidentally, from Sale. Laraine and Dave have been a great help with the promotion.

This is driving me nuts - the D on my keyboard only works intermittently so I have to go back and retype it. New PC on its way!

Back to the book...

You can win a signed copy here...

Win a signed copy of Elvis Under The Covers

Or you can buy a copy here

Elvis Under The Covers on

Elvis Under The Covers on

It is also available on all other Amazon sites worldwide, in both printed form and on Kindle.

As a result of this publication I have developed some great email / Facebook friendships with several of the artists, including Sofai, Kenny Vance, Mary Coughlan, Jacen Bruce and, of course, Suzi Quatro.

I'll let you know if any of them come round for tea!

Ole survived his first lads holiday that incorporated his 18th birthday, though it wasn't all plain sailing when he got home. His mum opened his case and didn't recognise the contents. 'Are these Bruce's?' she asked. A bleary eyed Ole had to admit that no they were not Bruce's, and neither was anything else in the case. They belonged to some poor chap from Huddersfield, as Ole had picked up the wrong case. There then followed a hasty trek back to the airport where the right case had fortunately been left untouched. The chap from Huddersfield had clearly had the good sense to check the contents before leaving the airport.

I made Brownies - but they didn't last very long!

Have you been watching the athletics? The IAAF world championships have been compelling viewing on BBC 1, and at one point we thought that even Zac had developed an interest. No, it was a different competition. He wanted to watch one of his YouTube friends who was competing in the World Dwarf Games in Canada, and he was particularly keen on the basketball. I managed to find it on a live stream, but the quality of neither the stream nor the basketball was anything like that at the London Stadium.

World Dwarf Games

We managed to spend 3 days in Spain towards the end of July, in a beautiful villa close to Girona.

Had a very expensive lunch at a beach side restaurant and a really nice day at a vineyard and small restaurant that opened just for us.

The speciality of the restaurant was squid ink paella. It looked aweseome, but I have to say that I preferred my own! Really must get that second cookbook finished!

The vineyard was not commercial and was proud of the way it used natural resources to produce wine, honey, olive oil, etc. It even had a monument in the grounds for spiritual wellbeing,

Of course, Lady M had to give it a hug!

The highlight of our Spanish trip was undoubtedly a game of cards. Our American friends had brought along Cards Against Humanity that involved a set of situation cards and a set of answer cards. Zac quickly got the hang of it and starting making up his own questions based on the answer cards he picked up. Thoroughly recommended - though with an age advisory. Zac was particularly pleased to get answer cards stating Anal Beads and Dick Fingers.

Not thoroughly recommended is Ryanair who delayed us both ways making 3 consecutive late flights. Unfortunately neither of these was long enough for compensation.

Speaking of thoroughly recommended, I have just finished Terry Ravenscroft's 3rd edition of Stairlift To Heaven, available on Kindle. Probably not as good as the first two but still well worth a read.

The YNot festival was a well publicised disaster, and Ole was fuming when he had to return early. He compared it to last year at Leeds where conditions and weather were worse, but the festival coped much better. On the plus side he was looking forward to his 50% refund, until I pointed out that he hadn't actually paid for his ticket as yet!

Summer holidays and a commitment from Zac to get fit. He said he was going to walk to the cricket ground every day. He did it twice. We have no idea why but we suspect its not to get fit. I checked my keys to the tuck shop and they are still on my key ring. Any thoughts?

Finally, I have brought my website up to some sort of date spurred on by an interview with Kirk Fletcher for Leek Blues & Moorlands Americana Festival. Interesting chap is Kirk, he recently played with Joe Bonamassa. Looking forward to catching up with him at Leek at the end of September.

Oh, one more thing - good luck to Clive Ashton and his new venture at The Wellington Inn in Leek. Look forward to catching up with him soon too.

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Me and Suzi Quatro!

Just a quick update for now as I'm very busy with the launch of Elvis Under The Covers in August to coincide with the 40th anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley.

Well, we might as well start there. The big news is that the foreword is being written by Suzi Quatro. Yes I know, unbelievable isn't it? I emailed her for a quote, and she kindly responded saying if there was anything else she would be happy to help. So I asked, and she provided. She also wants a copy of the book, naturally enough, so she sent me her address too. Having watched her perform 48 Crash, Can The Can and Devil Gate Drive when I was an impressionable boy in the 1970s, I hope she wears that black leather suit when I deliver her copy!

Of course, Mike Sanchez is still playing a prominent role, and he has provided his rock and roll reflections that have been included in full.

However, I was delighted by the range of artists who have also sent their quotes for the book. These include Queen Of Rockabilly Wanda Jackson, Country Music star Tanya Tucker, Eddi Reader, Chris Spedding, Danny B. Harvey, Stella Parton (Dolly's sister), and loads more. Last Sunday I did an interview with Kenny Vance whose band opened the first American shows for The Beatles and The Rolling Stones.

But it's not all rock and roll! Today I have been working with my very talented artist and cover designer Hollie Crankshaw.

The first physical copy of the book arrived earlier this week - containing a stock photo. Hollie is working on her own design with the names of some of the artists involved written across the image.

The original

The new artwork

Release date is set for 16th August - though there may be a copy or two available in advance if anyone wants to review it!

Staying with the musical theme I am heading to Manchester later today for a Suits & Vinyl networking session. You are encouraged to take vinyl records along to this, so I have dug out my Eddie & The Falcons LP along with my Penetration luminous disc!

Sometimes I don't think Sally gets my sense of humour, as I have probably said before. A few days ago she called out from the bathroom, 'What's that ugly thing hanging up in here?' Knowing full well that it was my toiletry bag that doesn't match the curtains, tiles, toothbrushes or toilet seat, and that it certainly doesn't have the words Jo Malone emblazoned expensively on the side, I said, 'Its the mirror.' That didn't end well!

Which brings me on to a bugbear of mine - cushions. Not settee cushions or seat cushions. I mean bedroom cushions. I sometimes have to remove as many as ten of them before getting in bed, and the next night there they are again. Even the cat won't sit on them! So what are they for? Generally speaking there's only Sally and myself that venture into the bedroom, unless Ole decides to hoover the whole house (only joking!), and as 50% of us find them a huge inconvenience I really don't see the point. I've taken to throwing them as far away from the bed as possible, but like a malevolent soft furnished boomerang they inevitably return. Any ideas lads?

Zac is counting down the days until the summer holidays, and he now has a new way of evaluating how good a day or a lesson will be. Its all about the position and situation. The best position is the back row and the best situation is in the far corner!

Apparently I am being lined up for some kind of food exchange. Louise sent Sally home with a baked egg custard last week, with the unspoken understanding that I would provide something in return! Sally could have made something, but Louise said no. She wanted paella or some such dish. Anyway, I made a syrup sponge pudding but it all got eaten!

Ole has gone to Zante with his mates. The day before departure he insisted on a trip to Tesco, and here he is later on packing for the trip.

Yes - that is Pot Noodle that he is packing! He also stashed biscuits and pasta (including sauce), saving all of his hard earned cash for alcohol. He is away for his 18th birthday, which saves us a party, but not to worry as the mums have created their own Messenger group to ensure they keep each other up to date with any shenanigans. And here's a word of warning - check the small print on your holiday insurance. Some insurers are now invalidating medical cover if you do not have an EH1C card. These are free - so if you haven't got one or it has expired I would strongly advise getting an up to date one. Another word of warning - use the official site. These are FREE. Do NOT pay. A lot of scam sites will get you an EH1C, but they will charge you more than £30 for the privilege.

And speaking of travel, Ryanair paid their compensation promptly after our Italy trip. Not so Expedia. Their refund hadn't appeared so I contacted them. They rang me back and said due to a technical fault the payment had not gone through but they would see to it immediately. Two weeks later I called again. They said there had been a technical fault so the payment had not gone through but they would sort it out immediately. I then got an email stating it would take up to 15 days to process the payment. 15 DAYS! It took less time than that when we had to process cheques.

Timberrrrrrrr could be heard in our garden after recent storms, with almost disastrous consequences. Sally called me out one evening to hold on to a tree whilst she chopped it down. It was about 20 feet high, and dangerously close to the fence which is about 10 feet from the railway line. She had already sawed quite a way through it, arguing that the storm damage would soon fell it anyway. I grabbed a rope to try to pull it back to our side of the fence, but to no avail. she sawed a bit more, and a loud crack was followed by the tree crashing onto the fence and beyond. I ran around the trampoline and climbed over the fence where the tree was across both rails of the adjacent Buxton to Manchester line. I pulled it back, but it would only bend rather than breaking, so I shouted to Sally. At that moment I was effectively holding a huge catapult a couple of feet away from a railway track. Sally climbed over the fence to finish her sawing at just the same moment that a train went past. Literally 30 seconds earlier and I would have had to ensure that the railway police knew that it was Sally that caused the derailment and not me!

'Gary's got a great big horn,' Sally said one day as we were driving to Macclesfield. There was no lead up to this, in fact very little conversation at all up to that point. I looked at her in puzzlement. She pointed out of the window. 'That house over there looks like the one that Gary is doing up at the moment, and I remember speaking to him the other day. He told me he'd got a great big horn that cost £15,000.' These unspoken connections rattled around her head in perfect and full conversation, unfortunately it was only the last sentence that I received and yet I was fully expected to respond and join in. Anyone else get this?

Sunday lunch at the Bull I Thorn last weekend - only because the Royal Oak was full. We didn't know there was a VW rally on at the time, and they didn't tell us when we rang to book the table, but no matter! We walked in and there was a queue a the bar which is not surprising as everything is done through the bar. We were pointed at a table and in the direction of the menus, then I ordered drinks. These were served in plastic glasses because of the festival, even though we were clearly sitting down at a pre-booked table. After two requests Sally got hers transferred to a proper glass, much to the embarrassment of Ole and Zac, and when the queue at the bar finally died down I ordered food. Zac's sausage and chips were ok, nothing better than that. Ole loved his Steak & Ale pie with chips and peas. Sally and I both ordered roast beef dinners and they were great. Plenty of meat, new and roast potatoes, and vegetables served separately. A Yorkshire pudding was included, as was stuffing, something I wouldn't normally associate with beef! Anyway, the stuffing wasn't that good so we left it, but the rest of the meal was certainly worth an 8 out of 10. Probably won't go back, especially if there is a festival on!

An odd conversation occurred the other night when we talking about horseshit. Apparently there's no law for horse owners to pick up their horses's crap as there is for dogs. One horse owner sat looking at her steed's steaming pile and said, 'It won't do you any harm. Horses are vegetarians.' Anyway, Amanda, a vegetarian friend, replied, 'Just like me!' in answer to the horse poo problem. I am not quite sure what she was suggesting! Having fallen in a slurry pit as a kid I can assure you that the vegetarian nature of the beast does not make an experience like this any more pleasant! And whilst on the subject of horses, apparently horse air bags are a thing. The rider connects them up when they get on, and must remember to disconnect them before they get off, otherwise....

Sunday, 4 June 2017

Teenage Depression And The Best Burgers In The World

Financial choices can be difficult within families - do you put it aside for university? Do you try to get the best interest rate? There are countless options, but I didn't really expect Sally's question when she asked, 'Should I put Zac's money into ISIS?'

Speaking of Sally, after almost 23 years of marriage I still don't think she quite gets my sense of humour. She was watching a documentary about the ill-fated dodo on tv. 'When did the dodo become extinct?' she asked. 'Dodo,' I replied. The withering look of disdain told me she didn't find it funny!

Elvis Under The Covers is going well as the deadline approaches - including quotes from Louise Hoffsten and Mary Coughlan. I read Mary's autobiography last week - and it was superb. Baring her soul about growing up in Ireland and making it, losing it and making it again in the music industry. Thoroughly recommend you check her out.

Mary Coughlan's website


Cricket took a turn for the better at the beginning of the month, with a knock of 162no. And I was still able to walk the day after. Now, I have had big scores before, two over 100, but apparently this broke records for Whaley Bridge second team, and at my age there is probably an even greater sense of pride than if I had done it 20 years ago. Unfortunately I have been consigned to the first team ever since!

Right - I'm going to put this in print so that it doesn't get forgotten. Russ Wild and I are starting a band - him on ukelele and me on bass guitar. It will be an unusual and perhaps unique sound, to say the least, and we are currently working on parodies. We have no name for the band as yet - but the working titles of a couple of songs are Menopausal Man Blues and My Wife Is A Serial Killer.

Zac, as ever, seems hard done to. 'I'm this close to depression,' he declared one evening, going on to explain, 'do you know what the single biggest cause of teenage depression is?' The swiftness of his reply told us that the question had been rhetorical. 'Homework,' he confirmed. So what mountain of homework had brought on this state of melancholy? His English teacher had asked him to complete 3 sheets of A4 paper. Including pictures!

We had a visit from Nixie a couple of weeks ago. It was only supposed to be for a day, then overnight. Then another night. And another. It was joyous to see her, and she had a great time on the trampoline with the boys, but three days with a 1 year old can be quite tiring! Something that we had long since forgotten. We are stocking up on espresso and Sanatogen ready for her next visit!

My sister has taken to riding horses. Or more accurately, she has taken to falling off horses. She is a bit younger than me, but she doesn't bounce as well as she once might have done! Any suggestions?

Zac had to bake a cake for school. Well that's not strictly true. He had to make a guillotine, and apparently Minecraft was a suitable medium to use. Anyway, Zac found that too hard, so he decided to bake a cake and then ice a picture of a guillotine on to the cake. With it so far? So, it was the night before the guillotine project was due in, and I was blissfully unaware of all this. I was at Old Trafford, and the game finished around 9.45pm. I was walking back to the car and I got a phone call. It was Zac, explaining the Minecraft situation and asking if I would bake a cake when I got in. He then said that he had made the cake, it just needed cooking. He had got a recipe from Youtube, and the time for baking was somewhere between 20 and 50 minutes, and that would be beyond his bedtime. The icing would be done in the morning. So, an hour later I poured his cake batter into a tin and put it in the oven. I tasted the batter, and it seemed to have something missing, but it was 11pm so I left it! It came out quite well, and the following morning he managed this design.

It looked good, so he took it in and it got shared about. How was it? Zac was non committal, which was strange as it was chocolate cake! I asked him what sugar he had put in it, and he said, 'what do you mean?' I clarified my question. 'Did you put granulated, or brown, or caster sugar in?' He thought for a moment, then explained, 'the recipe said granulated, but I couldn't find any of that so I just left it out'. Straight out of the Sally Madden school of cookery!

Two days after the Nixie mini holiday Ole took it upon himself to visit The Shepherds, and then he came home with a friend who was staying over. It was around 10.30 when I locked up and went to bed, and it was a bit of a shock when we were woken at 4 by Ole and his mate banging on the door. It transpired that he had gone to Manchester on the last train and partied until the early hours. He was very much the worse for wear, though to be fair he did get up to go to his last day of college, albeit briefly! So when the situation was dissected he asked why we had locked the door. 'I thought you were in bed,' I explained. 'You didn't even know I wasn't in the house?' the astonished 17 year old replied. 'That's just bad parenting!'

Despite our obvious lack of parenting skills the two boys decided to accompany us on a 5 day break to Italy. We flew to Brindisi, somewhere near the heel, and the cock ups started at the airport. With the heightened security Zac got the full patting down treatment as he had left his inhaler in his pocket going through the metal detector, and then both he and Ole had their bags searched as they had left spare inhalers inside. We eventually landed at our destination to find a cock up with the car, but it was probably a blessing in disguise that we got a taxi to our hotel as Sally's navigational skills leave a lot to be desired. The hotel was lovely.

Tenuta Moreno

We arrived late at night and had a plate of bread, fruit and cheese waiting for us, as well as four large glasses of red wine! The next day we went back to the airport to pick up the car, and were told that as we wanted the car for one less day we would have to pay an extra 94 Euros, which is more than what it cost in the first place. That puzzled the lady at Budget as well as ourselves. Fortunately the rental company agreed to repay this, so we returned to the hotel and for once Sally navigated us right to the door. Now, we know that Italians can make pizza, pasta, ice cream and coffee, well in the small town of Mesagne I can confirm that they make quite possibly the best burgers on the planet - and I have tried a few! Burger Eat Gourmet is the top rated restaurant in the town on Tripadvisor, so we gave it a whirl. Three 200 gram burgers, all excellently prepared and presented on a bun that was sturdy enough to not fall apart, together with chips and a bacon baguette for Zac. This wasn't on the menu but they made it anyway, and seemed happy to oblige! Beer, wine, water and Sprite all accompanied the burgers, and the cost came to an unbelievable 48 Euros.

Would you? This one's a New Yorker!

The next day we took advice from our cabbie and headed for the beach. It was half an hour away, but well worth the journey as we rented four sun beds and two umbrellas for 24 Euros. The man on the beach said that in August the same furniture would cost 8-10 times that! The locals claimed that this was their Caribbean, which is stretching it a bit, but the sea was clear, shallow and completely free of rocks for miles. An excellent pizzeria bordered the beach, and we spent a marvellously lazy day throwing a tennis ball and a frisbee until some pesky kids got in the way!

The view from the beach

Apparently the Manchester to Brindisi flights are quite new - but well worth checking out. Message me if you want any more details. Anyway, all good things must come to an end and we dropped off the car in good time and waited at the airport. Its a small airport with very little to do, but we only had to wait until 9.25pm and then we would be on our way home. Then came an hour's delay. Then we got a text message from Ryanair stating it would be 3 hours. Questions were asked about compensation. Is it 3 hours? Is it 4 hours? The kids were getting grumpy! A very helpful Ryanair lady handed out leaflets and transit cards. The transit cards allowed us to go back outside the departure gate and pick up vouchers worth £3.50 each to spend in the airport. By this time there was only 1 shop open and his sandwiches looked sad, dry and old. We were also allowed to go back outside beyond security, but the only cafe open would not accept the vouchers. They did, however, serve excellent coffee. We examined the small print, and there was good news. If our flight exceeded 1500km and it was delayed more than 3 hours, we would be entitled to 400 Euros in compensation. Each. The word 'each' suddenly brought big smiles to the faces of the kids as they planned to spend their share. The addition of another hour to the delay confirmed the 3 hour mark, and a routefinder showed the distance at 2,500km. Even allowing for 'as the crow flies' we were confident that it would exceed the statutory minimum. I did a bit of searching and eventually found Ryanair's online form. I filled it in and hit this space!

We went to see Imelda May at the Bridgewater Hall a couple of weeks ago, and what a star she is turning into. I pre-ordered her CD which gave me access to advanced tickets, so we ended up on the front row. Ms May really engaged with the audience and went through a stunning repertoire of old and new stuff with a band of superbly talented musicians. If you ever get the chance to see her I would strongly recommend it!. 

Anyway, back to reality and this week sees a meeting with KPMG and treks down to Gloucester and Newport. Its not all rock and roll!

Monday, 1 May 2017

The Fraudster Revealed - That's Just Bad Parenting

Well, some ups and some very big downs in this edition.

First of all Sapphire sadly fell victim to an accident, probably a collision with a car. He was taken to the vet where he passed away, aged just over two years old. Now, that is bad enough, but then there are choices. Do you want the body back (don't worry, its been kept in cold storage), or do you want the pet crematorium to take him away and cremate him, and if that is your choice do you want the ashes back? A simple cremation is £42, the return of the ashes takes that up to £113. Well you can call me a sceptic but for an extra £71 I'm not convinced the pet crematorium will take the trouble of separating Sapphire for an individual cremation - it would seem more likely that all of the unfortunate cats, dogs, mice, goldfish, etc that have met an untimely end that week will be torched together, and for anyone who wants some, here's a tube of ashes! The kids have dealt with the tragedy in opposite ways. Zac was distraught, wanting to know where it happened, who took him to the vet, and more importantly, whose car did the damage? Ole, however, admitted that he hated that cat. Its aggressive nature was a constant source of irritation to Ole's gentle natured Bobby who remains bemused at the added attention that he has received!

Now its one thing when a family pet suddenly passes away, its another when a close work colleague does the same. Unfortunately a chap that I had known for around five years and worked closely with for the last 18 months suddenly died last week. I got the message in a phone call from our mutual friend on Saturday, and it was a bit of a shock. He actually left a voicemail first, but I didn't pick that up until later, and it kind of reminded me of a joke about a couple who went on holiday and left a housekeeper in charge of the cat and the ageing gran. On their return they asked the housekeeper how the cat was. 'Oh it died,' said the housekeeper. 'Well that's a bit of a shock,' said the woman, you could have broken it to me gently, like you could have said he was chasing birds on the shed roof and fell off and unfortunately passed away'. 'Oh yes, sorry, I didn't think,' said the housekeeper. Anyway, 'how's gran?' The housekeeper thought for a moment, then said, 'Well she was chasing birds on the shed roof...' I'm sure Steve would have approved.

On a spooky note, I went to see the Stranglers at Rock City in March last year with four seemingly healthy guys, and within a few months one had passed away. In March this year I went to see the Stranglers at Rock City with three seemingly healthy guys, and Steve was one of those!

Speaking of which, I also went to see The Stranglers at The Apollo in Manchester. What a gig. It started with very polite bar staff in a posh looking bar, immaculate toilets, and bouncers who were incredibly helpful. Not quite like it was forty years ago! Anyway, the band started and the crowd went wild. Honestly, they did. Shirts were off, fifty year old men were crowd surfing, and the bouncers politely reached out for them, helped them to their feet, and assisted them to get to the back of the crowd so that they could do it all again! Can't wait for next year!

You may recall from a few editions ago that Zac had his debit card hacked - or so it seemed. It now transpires that the fraudster was none other than his mum! She had somehow managed to link his debit card to her Paypal account! He's not happy, and she has no idea how she did it, but ignorance is no defence. When he worked out that he had effectively paid for his own Christmas presents he had just one sentence. 'That's just not good parenting.'

The cricket season started last week, and I've managed two fifties in consecutive weeks. Can't remember the last time that happened, but my ageing body is telling me not to do it again!

I don't seem to have been particularly busy in the kitchen, though I did make flapjacks, orange rocky road and biscuits for Gabi's Beauty Bash in Stalybridge. And, I must confess I kept a few biccies back for dunking!

We also had a very nice afternoon tea, which can often be more work than anything else. The chocolate cake was especially popular!

Of course the afternoon tea was for a family gathering - and that has its own set of challenges. Getting everyone together from great grandmother to the newest member of our family...

...and then there's the problem of trying to avoid the selfie queen!

You're not even safe on the trampoline!

Elvis Under The Covers is progressing slowly but surely, and I have gently started the social media campaign. Mike Sanchez has agreed to write the foreword, and there will be many quotes from musicians and singers such as Al Kooper and Mary Coughlan.

The Facebook page is here...

Elvis Under The Covers On Facebook

...and the Michael Madden web page is here...

Elvis Under The Covers


The MMU expo was a frenetic affair, with my groups of students looking splendid in their Legacy IT t-shirts. I will now be continuing the projects (one dealing with broken websites and the other online courses including legacy languages such as COBOL) through to production.

I went shopping with Zac last week. Thankfully he hates shopping as much as me, so we went to two shops, got everything we needed, and were back in the car within 40 minutes. There was a small distraction for a hat, but we decided against it!

Zac has started to take a pride in his own appearance, unlike his brother who will wear anything!

One thing that Zac did show an interest in was a watch. So, we acquired one and he put it on, but it had stopped. I told him it had to be wound up, and that's when the trouble started. 'How often do you have to wind it up?' he asked. 'Every day.' 'Every day? That's just too much effort!'

The Christmas present seemed to have been going well, until a traumatic day in March!

It all started as I set off early one Monday for a conference in London. I was in a session debating the merits of data protection when I got a call from Louise at the stable. I assumed that Sally's phone had died, so I sent a message 'in a conference - call you in 20 minutes'. A few minutes later I got another call, this time from Sally. The text exchange went like this...

Me 'in a conference - call you in 20 minutes - anything urgent?'
Sally 'going for a scan';
Me 'are you pregnant?'
Sally 'brain scan'

I rang quite quickly after that to find that Nancy had decided to set off and turn right at full pace. Her legs had gone from under her and Sally had come off, briefly losing consciousness. She couldn't remember where she was and what she was supposed to be doing later, which seemed normal to me, but they decided to take her to hospital for a brain scan. She was given the all clear, but probably only because they didn't ask her 'where did you move my stuff to?' or 'why are the noodles now in a separate cupboard away from the rest of the food?' or 'why do we need 27 tins of lentil soup?'

I sometimes wonder if Zac is growing up too fast! I dropped a crepe in front of him as he sat playing on his X-Box, and his response was 'Ohh - you cheeky bugger', meanwhile his conversations with mum seem to centre around what she would do in the event of a wet dream.

I had my ears syringed this week, for the first time ever. Not a painful or even unpleasant experience, until they show you what they have removed. Ugh!

Had another Sunday lunch a couple of weeks ago, this time at the Wanted Inn at Sparrowpit. The welcome was extremely friendly, even going so far as to ensure they had the right sausages in for Zac. The food was plentiful and reasonably priced, and you could tell that the gravy was made with the meat juices. The vegetables were a bit school dinner like, but the meat and potatoes were excellent. As were the home made puddings. Not had spotted dick for ages! Overall a 

We took the opportunity to visit Chester Zoo with grand daughter and nana on a cold week day - in fact it was so cold that my mum had to become a Green Bay Packers fan for the day.

Nixie loved it, and although there was a new born giraffe and some baby elephants her favourite animal seemed to be the tapir!

He seemed a bit aloof, and if Johnny Morris was around the tapir would have said something like..'Hey - of course a you wanna come see me I'm Brazilian. Like Neymar. They call a me Tostao The Tapir, but my real name is Kaka. I have sexi football. Don go to za giraffe. He look a like Peter Crouch. And the buffalo from Congo - ha - no footballers come from there. Da zebra - ee av a nice kit - but I av a nice tongue! Za elephants come out in trunks - must be freezin! Haha - zat ees my joke!'

Anyway, turned out he was lying all along - he was Malaysian!

Mothers Day was hilarious. Ole was very much the worse for wear after a heavy night, and it was late afternoon when he got around to giving mum her present. He had clearly been to Tesco and bought some chocolates and a book. The book was supposed to be about horse riding, according to him! Turned out it was a steamy Jilly Cooper novel! He was a tad embarrassed.

The snap General Election has caused a bit of a stir, with Zac wanting to know why Theresa May has called it. He would vote for David Cameron as Theresa May has messed things up. I look forward to the television debates!

A couple of football stories to finish, and Ole played his last ever official game of junior football this weekend, The 5-1 victory over Juno was well deserved, and was a fitting tribute to the hard work put in by Ben Williams, the manager, since he first got them all together at under 7s! As you can see - its not always been easy to get them organised, but last year's league championship and third this year is a great achievement.

Zac, meanwhile, got asked to play for the school team again. Unfortunately he forgot his kit. However, with his network of contacts this wasn't a problem. He got his mate Alex to ring home so that Alex's mum could ring Sally who would then turn up with the aforementioned kit Worked like a dream.